Ben’s Musings

I’m still not feeling that excited about Mary-Lou’s pregnancy. To be honest, by default I can’t imagine having this baby. A couple of times recently I’ve thought about how exciting it will be playing with it and I get really excited, but only for a minute. I’m not trying to assume the worst, it’s just what is happening in me.

I’ve been obsessing over the PSP recently. I really really really want one! I especially want one with the Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops game. I really like the Metal Gear Solid games and I’ve had a look at the most recent one for the PS3, and it looks awesome. I think I’m a gamer at heart, but I have disciplined myself over the years not to play because I either haven’t had the money, or I’ve had Mary-Lou telling me to spend that time with people instead! I think I really want the PSP simply for escapism, to escape my feelings and grief and circumstances for a time.

My diet has been going well. I’ve lost a few pounds but haven’t been measuring it enough to plot a graph. I intend to record my weight every 2 days from now on. I’m quite chuffed at how disciplined I’ve been with my eating but I haven’t been doing any excercise, so I need to start making the effort a bit more.

I’ve been enjoying The Last Testament by Sam Bourne over the last few days. I like having a novel, a book which I learn from and a book of short stories on the go. That way I can escape into the novel, or study an interesting book or just feel satisfied with a short story.

Mary-Lou and I have decided to start doing an open meal every Sunday at 5.30pm (before our friends’ kiddies’ bedtime). I’m looking forward to seeing friends more regularly but I also know that something good and valuable happens when people eat and share food together. I’m looking forward to getting to know our friends better, and getting to know new friends too.

Big News: Mary-Lou is pregnant again!

We found out on Sunday morning and guess that our baby is 5 weeks old at the moment. The heart begins beating this week and all the cells already know what they will become! I feel happy but also nervous and scared. I will blog more about these feelings in coming days.

I had decided that once we get pregnant, I will use the time until the baby is born to lose weight, so Andy Knox and I have decided to lose weight together and be accountable in it. Our first weigh-in showed me weighing 14st 6lbs. I want to be under 13 stone so I am aiming to lose 2 stone in the next 8 months. I’ve tried to get a graph in the sidebar tracking my weight, but it doesn’t seem to be working at the moment.

The diet consist of Fruit and natural Yogurt Smoothie for Breakfast, Soup only for lunch, then a healthy meal for dinner, but this has to be a Mary-lou sized portion! We can eat fruit and seeds for snacks and will try to drink 2 litres of water each day. We will cut out Caffine so no tea or coffee, and we want to eventually be able to do 50 sit-ups in a row every day and 50 press-ups in a row every other day.

It’ll be hard and I’ve already felt hungry today and I don’t like it. But I want to see this through and lose the weight.

I keep thinking about how excited I was this time last year. I was looking forward to being a dad and discovering my new son or daughter. How differently I feel now. I often feel drained and distracted.

I miss Amy, although I never really had her. I noticed how perfect our living room chairs are for slouching, and how Amy and I would have probably spent many hours with her lying on my chest while I slouched and cuddled her.

I’m sorry that I have been putting many of my feelings and thoughts about Amy aside over the last half year. I sincerely think that I wouldn’t have been productive in my work if I hadn’t. In no way do I put my productivity over Amy, but I have to produce something to earn the money I have been receiving for it and I have been the only earner since she died.

I feel bad that I haven’t made the time to dwell and grieve over Amy - I think I thought I would generally survive better if I didn’t. I know that is wrong, but it feels like it’s right.

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