Special with Mary-Lou, Toby’s mornings, growing out of clothes, baby groups, Mary-Lou’s thoughts on Amy, time with Mary-Lou’s parents, injections, puking, raising boys, male mentoring
To hear The Daddy Diaries before they are put on this blog and to download them automatically you have 2 options. You can Subscribe to The Daddy Diaries in iTunes by clicking here, or you can subscribe to the podcast feed by clicking here.
To hear The Daddy Diaries before they are put on this blog and to download them automatically you have 2 options. You can Subscribe to The Daddy Diaries in iTunes by clicking here, or you can subscribe to the podcast feed by clicking here.
Coming home, remembering Amy, visits from family and friends , bathtimes, real nappies, a routine, Toby’s weight, feeling safe, weekly baby activities.
To hear The Daddy Diaries before they are put on this blog and to download them automatically you have 2 options. You can Subscribe to The Daddy Diaries in iTunes by clicking here, or you can subscribe to the podcast feed by clicking here.
Toby’s here! The story, The West Wing, 7 hour wait, stressed and frustrated, a rush to the theatre, thinking of Amy, the operation, Toby arrives, “huge and chubby”, 8lbs 5oz, skin to skin, my parents arrive, leaving too soon, lovely time today, friends visit, haven’t yet cried, changing first nappy, new grief.
To hear The Daddy Diaries before they are put on this blog and to download them automatically you have 2 options. You can Subscribe to The Daddy Diaries in iTunes by clicking here, or you can subscribe to the podcast feed by clicking here.
To hear The Daddy Diaries before they are put on this blog and to download them automatically you have 2 options. You can Subscribe to The Daddy Diaries in iTunes by clicking here, or you can subscribe to the podcast feed by clicking here.
I’m getting alot of people looking at the The Daddy Diaries category of this blog. Tommy’s, the baby charity, have linked through to my blog and www.askamum.co.uk have begun adding my podcast to their audio resources.
My wife, Mary-Lou started a blog a few months ago to talk about life after Amy died. I’m pretty sure alot of people coming here would be interested in her thoughts too, so click here to see her blog.
We just found out this morning that we’re going to have a little boy! The name we had already chosen for a boy is Toby Jacob Gibbs, so this is what we will call him from now on - I might even shorten it to “Tobs”!
We have had 2 scans this week, one was on Tuesday and that was to check our baby’s heart (I was born with Transposition of the Main Arteries and there is a greater risk that my children could have a heart problem - our baby is fine) and today was the 20 week anomaly scan.
The chap who did the scan was very nice and pointed out all the things he was measuring as he went along. We saw our baby’s heart beating and we saw it squirming around too. He didn’t find any problems with our baby, which is reassuring to us. He then told us it was a boy in the middle of a sentence like it wasn’t that important! I said “Oh, so it’s a boy then?” just to confirm and he said it was and pointed out the testes and willy which were quite clear.
We got a picture from the scan and once I’ve scanned it into the computer, I’ll pop it on this blog.
After the scan, Mary-Lou and I went into town and bought a blue outfit for Toby as a celebration. I can already feel the dangers of easily buying too many things because they are all so cute and I love Toby so much already.
I have been feeling a bit wierd since finding out we have a boy. I think it’s because everything to do with pregnancy and having a baby has always related to a girl in my head - that’s obviously because we had Amy and I had wanted a daughter first. So now we have a boy, my head is having to do a bit of a shift to imagine it all with a boy. I don’t know why this is the case, afterall, Toby will need the same things from us as he would if he was a girl. I’m a little nervous that this mind shift process will reveal more about me and my misunderstanding of masculinity!
I hope to be a great Dad to Toby. At least, I hope to be able to cope better than these Dads!
I wanted to record my thoughts and feelings about being a Dad and also about our new pregnancy. So I thought I’d podcast my musings since I’m doing severalother podcasts at the moment too.
You can Subscribe to The Daddy Diaries in iTunes by clicking here, or you can subscribe to the podcast feed by clicking here.
I will also put new episodes here on my blog but they will appear in iTunes and in the podcast feed about 1 week earlier, so subscribe to keep up with the latest!
Here are the first two episodes to kick off The Daddy Diaries:
Download Episode 1: An introduction to The Daddy Diaries.
Download Episode 2: Our midwife booking-in appointment, my default feelings about this pregnancy and delighting in children.
This time last year, Mary-Lou and I were thinking through what type of Post-mortem we wanted performed on Amy
Today is the 1 year anniversary of the stillbirth of our daughter Amy Isabel Gibbs. She actually died on the 8th September but was delivered on the 10th. It has been a sad weekend for Mary-Lou and myself.
We had a picnic to remember Amy at Fletcher Moss Park yesterday and invited family and friends to come, and many did. It was nice to be with friends and our families, but I felt quite lonely. We released a helium filled balloon to symbolise letting go of something you know you will not get back - people seemed to appreciate that.
It was the first time we had seen some people since they found out we are pregnant again, and they congratulated us. Each time, their excitement seemed strange to me, but I just smiled and said we were happy but scared too.
We booked Minty today and went to Chorley to see the place and do some Charity Shop shopping, then we went to Preston to do the same. Neither of us felt particularly emotional, probably because we had the picnic yesterday and felt sad more intensely on Saturday.
My Amy bracelet broke months ago, but I bought a strip of suede to fix it in time for Amy’s Picnic yesterday. It feels good to have it back on my wrist, to feel something devoted to her close to me again.
I keep thinking about how excited I was this time last year. I was looking forward to being a dad and discovering my new son or daughter. How differently I feel now. I often feel drained and distracted.
I miss Amy, although I never really had her. I noticed how perfect our living room chairs are for slouching, and how Amy and I would have probably spent many hours with her lying on my chest while I slouched and cuddled her.
I’m sorry that I have been putting many of my feelings and thoughts about Amy aside over the last half year. I sincerely think that I wouldn’t have been productive in my work if I hadn’t. In no way do I put my productivity over Amy, but I have to produce something to earn the money I have been receiving for it and I have been the only earner since she died.
I feel bad that I haven’t made the time to dwell and grieve over Amy - I think I thought I would generally survive better if I didn’t. I know that is wrong, but it feels like it’s right.
Well, I’ve finally got around to some writing. There are many things I think I need to write about, I was going to list them here, but it might box me in a bit.
I’ve wanted to do more writing for a long time. A couple of years ago, I felt God encourage me to write down more of my thoughts about Church, and the bunch of people I am Church with in Manchester. But I didn’t, I did the easier thing which was not to make the time to write, but to watch TV instead (probably!).
Alot of thoughts come into my head and some just pass through. Some settle down into piles of coherent thoughts somewhere in my brain and others clatter around and knock down all my piles then stare at me demanding to be noticed. It is these thoughts which I want to write about the most, so that I don’t just ignore them and hope they go away.
I also want to start writing down the thought processes I have made to come to some of the conclusions I have come to - like explaining what thoughts make these loose piles, and how they connect and seem to make sense. I don’t want to write to find the right answers and discount the wrong answers. I want to understand why I think what I think and why I do what I do.
My ideas seem to be in a state of flux right now and I think this is a good thing. Since Amy died last year, everything in our lives was blown high in the sky, and Mary-Lou and I are still trying to figure out which bits to catch and which to leave.
Yesterday was Father’s Day. It wasn’t a great day for me - it didn’t feel like a day to celebrate my fatherhood and it grated a bit when Mary-Lou wished me a “Happy Father’s Day!”.
In the afternoon we went to watch “War On Democracy“, a documentary by John Pilger about the American Government’s interference with Latin American Governments over the last 60 years.
It is a brilliantly put together documentary which clearly explained the hugely negative interference that Washington has had which has cost thousands and thousands of lives.
It’s focus is Venezuela and Hugo Chavez, it’s leader. The American Government were involved with a coup in 2002, led by the rich elite of Venezuela which was illegal and staged using the media. Within 72 hours the Venezuelan poor surrounded the Government Palace and demanded Chavez back. A wonderful example of true democracy and people power.
Pilger then goes on to look at other South American countries and how they have been damaged by the intervention of the American Government. One guy he interviews who worked for the C.I.A. was so arrogant and dismissive about the thousands of deaths they caused, it made me so angry. He declared that these deaths, and the many more beatings, tortures and rapes were acceptable for the national interests of the United States. He epitomised everything many people think about American Politics.
The film exposes Washington’s fear and hatred of true democracy when it threatens their economy and their extreme idea of capitalism. Some horrific stories are told but there is great hope in this film. This is a definite for my BARF nights and I highly recommend it to everybody. Here is the trailer to inspire you to watch it:
My parents and my brother came up to see us for lunch on Saturday. Just before they arrived, I started getting blurry areas around the right side of my vision. I hoped it would disappear, but it didn’t and I realised I had a migraine coming on. I have migraines around once every 2 years and have learnt to take paracetamol as early as I can when I notice my vision going odd.
During our lunch, my head started hurting and I wasn’t able to concentrate on much, so I ended up going to bed and sleeping for 4 hours leaving Mary-Lou to entertain my family! I woke up later feeling much better but still groggy so I missed a friends birthday meal which I was looking forward to.
Sunday was the 9 month anniversary since Amy died and the days in the weekend were the same as the weekend when she died, Friday being the 8th and Sunday being the 10th. We decided last month that we wanted to try for another baby but on Thursday Mary-Lou got a period which we were both really disappointed about. I think that these things and the fact that my grief is growing made me feel the lowest I have felt since Amy died.
When Mary-Lou and I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep and just played on my laptop and phone until about 3am, then watched TV from 4 – 5am and eventually went for a walk around Platt Fields at 5.30am.
10 babies are stillborn every day in the UK, and I couldn’t help thinking of the dozens of couples who were having a horrendous weekend, not caring what time of the morning it is, but simply trying to deal with the shock of their loss. I almost felt that by staying up all night I was empathising with and sharing in their loss.
I ended up spending nearly 3 hours wandering slowly around Platt Fields, watching the birds, listening to the morning sounds, sitting while enjoying the early Sun, and thinking about how much I miss Amy.
While reading Velvet Elvis I made some notes on my Palm. They’re not extensive and are simply conclusions which hit me.
I really absorbed this book, probably because I have lots of questions about God and my faith since Amy died.
Anyway, here are my notes:
Questioning the Christian faith is mandatory in the Christian faith.
The bible needs to be interpreted to understand it’s application.
In Jesus’ time, Rabbis would call their interpretations and applications their “yoke”.
Jesus said his yoke was easy.
When a rabbi was teaching a new yoke, he was validated by two other rabbis putting their hands on him. Jesus was baptised by John, then God blessed him audibly – that’s why his baptism was so important.
Rabbis would “bind” some practices and “loose” others.
Jesus gave us permission to do that, and when we do, it would happen in heaven. He gave authority to make new interpretations and applications of the Christian faith.
When we debate, discuss, pray, wrestle, God is involved.
The whole earth is full of the “kavod” - weight and significance of who God is.
So whenever we see truth and beauty and goodness, we see God, and should claim and affirm it whether it is termed “Christian” or not – the word Christian is a noun - it is a bad adjective.
We are tour guides, pointing out what others dont see around them – God.
It is easier to remain busy than to stop, stare your problems in the face and recieve healing.
Shalom is the presence of the goodness of God. It’s the presence of wholeness, completeness.
Jewsh children memorised the torah from age 6 - 10. Then if they showed natural ability, they would learn the other Old Testament books until aged 14. Then if they were still good, they would learn the Jewish commentary and wisdom about each part. Then they might ask to follow a rabbi who would accept them if he thought they could live as he did. He would say “come, follow me”.
Jesus disciples were fishing because they hadn’t reached this stage, yet Jesus chose them believing they could carry his yoke and do what he did - be disciples.
He got frustrated with their lack of faith in themselves being able to do as he did – eg. walking on water.
God wants to restore us to who he made us to be. We are a new creation. When God looks at me, God sees Christ because I’m “in” him.
Christians are people learning who they are in Christ.
To Jesus, the goal isn’t getting into heaven, the goal is to get heaven here.
The church doesn’t exist for itself; it exists to serve the world.
We need to embody the good news by serving those around us. This will require difficulty and suffering but will bring great hope.
I’ve been busy recently. April was a busy month because I was organising ASBO, a skate competition over 4 sundays in April, and ChurchMCR launched on April 1st so I was deaing with that too.
I decided not to be busy in May. Mary-Lou was upset that I had not given proper time for my grief over Amy because of my busyness in April. I agree that it is not healthy to push away my grief so I wanted time to dwell on Amy and to work through by pain and confusion, especially about God.
But the last couple of weeks have been hectic!
First, some of the Advisory Team for ChurchMCR have become concerned about the sustainability of ChurchMCR after the current funding runsout in a couple of months. It has been a stark warning that I need to focus on ChurchMCR’s financial future, which has meant busyness.
Secondly, I’ve got involved with Burnt To The Ground, a fundraising festival being held as a positive response to the Dale Street fire a few weeks ago. It destroyed a whole building and the work and property of many small businesses and freelancers who have been left without offices.
The organisers of the festival wanted there to be a skate area, so they contacted me. I thought it was a great idea and got involved, but it has led to a great deal more busyness which I wasn’t expecting.
I’ve been reading a book called “Velvet Elvis” by a chap called Rob Bell. It is about his understanding of the Christian faith and is brilliant and challenging. I have made notes on it which I will share soon as it has impacted me in many ways.
One of the things Rob Bell says in this book is that it is easier to stay busy and get busier than to stop and face your personal issues and get healing for them. God wants to restore us to become the people we were created to be, but we rarely give him and ourselves the chance to do that.
The chapter made me want to be less busy and to go for counselling to work through my grief and other things. So I’ve gone ahead and got a counselling session booked with Reach at Kings Church, but at the moment, it seems like just another item in my busy schedule!
Special with Mary-Lou, Toby’s mornings, growing out of clothes, baby groups, Mary-Lou’s thoughts on Amy, time with Mary-Lou’s parents, injections, puking, raising boys, male mentoring
I’m getting alot of people looking at the The Daddy Diaries category of this blog. 
In the afternoon we went to watch “
When Mary-Lou and I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep and just played on my laptop and phone until about 3am, then watched TV from 4 – 5am and eventually went for a walk around Platt Fields at 5.30am.
Secondly, I’ve got involved with 
I’ve been reading a book called “