A few months ago an editor from the Caribbean Belle magazine contacted us, wanting to print Amy’s story…here it is…

http://caribbeanbelle.com/body-mind-spirit/2-couples.php

I feel sad but proud to share this story with others, even as faraway as the Caribbean! She’ll never be forgotten, her memory lives on.

This will be our 4th Christmas without Amy and it will be the first Christmas away from home since Amy died.  I still don’t think it’s getting easier, at least I don’t feel like it is. Maybe it’ll be another couple of years  before I feel that, but I also feel ready to bite the bullet and spend Christmas Day with family despite the vulnerability and I think Toby will love it, the fuss and the busyness. Besides, I’ve already warned my sister in law that I might be emotional which has taken the pressure off a little.

Life has been so crazy recently. We’ve all got colds and poor Toby has a nasty cough. My counselling course has been incredibly challenging and intense and has brought some stuff to the surface that I haven’t felt for a long time, like my feeling that I’ve failed Amy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that, maybe a couple of years, but watching Toby grow up, bringing him up, disciplining him,recognising that he’s so vulnerable and still so dependent, I guess I fear failing him.

I called the Student Loans Company recently to find out my outstanding balance.  On hold, I thought about what the customer advisor would think of me - I have a decent degree (BA Hons Economic History & Economics) and should’ve earnt my way up to a high paying job in The City by now, so why haven’t I managed to pay off more of my student loan.

But then I thought, they know nothing about me…about the fact that I didn’t want a career in economics, that I’ve never been career minded or about earning loads of money for the sake of it, they don’t know about Amy and my journey since.  When I called to let them know I resigned from my job, I felt I had to make them understand that my decision to stay at home and look after Toby was a choice, as if I had to defend my decision to be a stay at home mum which probably comes from overly worrying about what others/society will think of me.

I recently watched a Ted video about Success by Alain deBotton which talked about how in Victorian times, homeless people were called “unfortunates”. I liked how at that time they understood that unfortunate things happen to people to cause them to be where they are. But today the view of  homeless people is very different, it’s negative, not as compassionate. Remembering the homeless man I came across in Vancouver, I got a sense that he was an “unfortunate” and not just some lazy person who couldn’t be bothered to get a job. In fact working with various homeless agencies and the Housing dept of the city council in 2006, I know that’s not the case for some…for most actually. After watching The Soloist I was deeply affected by the fact that there are 90,000 homeless people in LA - what a phenominal amount! It reminded me of the poverty I saw in Vancouver. It made me feel sad…and ashamed.

So much has happened this summer…sad and heartbreaking things…and it’s the 10th Sept tomorrow.

I feel spent, all cried out and a little numb.

The other day I remembered that after Amy died I really got into crosswords. I remember reading in books about grief that addiction/fascination/hobby could be a reaction to grief, a way of dealing with it, or not dealing with it, to take your mind off it (as if!)….

I had a little collection of puzzle books but then got into jewellery making, joined a choir and then got into charity shop shopping. It’s funny when I think back to those things now, my interest only lasting a few weeks at a time…a blip in my 2years 10months of grieving.

Just recently I was also reminded that even though we’ve moved on somewhat from those early days of taking each hour and day as they come, that we’re still trying to figure things out, figure some things out on our own, or together as a couple… There are times when we still feel vulnerable, where we have the odd down day/couple of days…times when we still get taken aback by that question we’ve been asked so many times “is Toby your first?” It’s tiring, being on edge, anticipating, dealing with the emotional waves, the miscommunication and the fallout from the miscommunication and lack of patience and understanding, dealing with others’ lack of sensitivity, dealing with my own guilt, trying to come up with answers to life’s big questions that have come out of her death that I so desperately want answered but know they never might and get frustrated at that …then get tired of feeling the same old frustration…grrr! Sigh…

But then that little tornado of emotion passes and I’m back into routine again, taking Toby to playgroup, hanging out with friends…

Mon 25th May

I started the day feeling really sad that this was our last full day in Vancouver. We have done so much and have been surrounded by so much beauty that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. We didn’t know what to do today, so we just went back to one of our favourite places - Stanley Park. We decided to explore the park, walking a few of the trails. We walked around a Beaver Lake, where we didn’t see any beavers but saw eagles circling overhead. We saw some tortoise, some ducks and 2 wild racoons, stopped at the Prospect Point Cafe for lunch (which was really posh), walked the Lovers Lane trail where I climbed onto a huge felled tree, walked to Third Beach where we stopped and just stared out to sea, soaking in some rays (me anyways), paddled in the sea just taking it all in… not just the view, but all that we had done and the family time we craved at the beginning of our holiday and the family time we had over the past two weeks. I guess holidays make you do that, they make you reflect and help you see things you can’t always see when you’re caught up in your everyday routine. After sitting for a while, we reluctantly left Third Beach, Stanley Park and Downtown for the last time.

We took a bus to Commercial Drive and had dinner at a Cuban restaurant, where Toby, as usual charmed all the ladies! One lady said he was a heartbreaker and the waitress said her and her collegaues decided he was the most beautiful baby they’d ever seen! Oh Tobes…

Sun 24th May

Today we went to the water park in Stanley Park. It was so much fun! We passed it as we cycled round the seawall on Friday and thought it looked fun. I got really excited about running through the fountains with Toby but when we got there, there were hardly any adults in the play area so I got all self conscious and was about to sit it out when I thought to myself I don’t care! No one knows me here and it’s all about Toby having fun (and me, of course!) so lets make to most of the sun and our time here! So we got our gear on and had loads of fun…well, at least I did. Toby wasn’t sure at first, mainly because the water was freezing, but he soon took to it! Even Ben, who said he wasn’t going to go in, who didn’t bother to bring his swimming shorts or a change of clothes, decided he would have a run around in the water park, not caring that he got his t-shirt and trousers wet! We had so much fun! I felt that white-picket fence all american family feeling again as I watched Ben and Toby with awesome mountains in the distance, thinking that Vancouver has so much for families and children to enjoy! After 20mins, Toby’s bottom lip started quivering and turned blue so we thought we’d better get him dressed!

After our adventures at the water park, we decided to stay in Downtown for dinner. Ben, yet again, wanted a steak and I was in the mood for some more fresh seafood. Ben had wanted to go to “The Keg” but then saw a place opposite called Joe Fortes which did both. It was quite a posh and expensive place but thought we’d go crazy! Ben had a 16oz steak and I had a platter of fresh seafood, consisting of oysters, scallops, squid, mussells, clamps, prawns, crab legs, and another fish that I can’t remember the name of and Toby had some Mac and Cheese. It was all amazing, but after the mains, we could neither afford dessert or fit it in we were so full!

Sat 23rd May

We went to Grouse Mountain today - the snow capped mountain seen from the end of our street…well from almost anywhere in the city! This wasn’t an activity I was bothered about but Ben really wanted to go. It’s a cable car ride up a snow capped mountain to a ski resort. Of course I thought the views would be amazing, but wasn’t looking forward to hanging out in a ski resort…what’s to do in a ski resort outside of ski season?! Anyways, I wasn’t too impressed byt he cable car. It was hard to enjoy the beautiful views because people were made to squash into the car like sardines. It was just very uncomfortable.

However, as soon as we got out and saw the snow, none of the above mattered, as  was overcome by that kid like feeling - yay snow! It was so surreal, feeling hot and sticky but being amongst inches, sometimes feet of snow. We were very hungry by the time we got there so we stopped to have something to eat and sat on a balcony overlooking Downtown and North Vancouver. Again photos of the scene just don’t do it justice.

After lunch we went to explore  a little. In the brochure it said that grizzly bears were in a closure on the mountain. I was very excited at the possibility of seeing bears as I’ve always wanted to go bear watching, but for some reason Ben didn’t think there’d be real bears…(I don’t know why but sometimes I take Ben’s word for it, even though I know he doesn’t really know what he’s talking about!)…so I felt cheated and disappointed, but then….

Real, live, sunbathing, play fighting, humongous bears! After watching the bears for ages, we went to watch a Lumberjack show, which again was surreal but really funny and entertaining. It was a great laugh and they got the crowd cheering and whooping…it was just good fun, sitting in the sun eating an apple and cinnamon “beaver tail” watching this really cheesy show…it was fun!

There wasn’t much else to do other than that so we went back to the cable car to make our way down, which was a much more pleasant journey and went back home.

Fri 22nd May

I’m so so proud of myself. Today I learnt to ride a bike and cycled the seawall of Stanley Park, approx 5 miles, without falling off once! I was really nervous to begin with but embarrased more than anything. But I thought there’s no better place to learn than in a huge and beautiful park by the sea. First, we stopped by some trees at the park entrance where Ben and Toby messed about whilst I learnt to turn corners. It was hard and I kept having to put my feet down, but soon got the hang of it. I just had to go really slowly. After a few mins practising, we set off. I was very scared about cycling into people particularly little children but the cycle path  around the sea wall is wide, one way and well marked so that gave me a little reassurance! Every so often I’d get nervous when a bunch of people cycled past, but apart from that I did ok. One lady made me loose confidence by saying I was driving on the wrong side of the cycle path which made me cycle into a bush, then later found out she was wrong! I was on the right side. The closest I came to falling off was when we went downhill slightly and I just lost control, cycled into some bars and the handle jabbed me in the ribs. I was fine but thought I’d walk all the other down hill bits - I know my limits! We stopped for lunch on the green by some totem poles but because I was soooo excited about cycling I quickly finished my lunch and cycled on the grass, like an excited kid. I couldn’t wait to get going again! We continued along the sea wall, stopped by Second and Third beach for ice creams, drinks, a paddle and rest then set off again. The last strip was the most annoying as I got stuck behind a family who kept stopping and starting which meant I had to keep stopping and starting, but then soon realised that must be how people behind me feel! I also realised that I hadn’t absorbed the view at the beginning, maily because I was too busy concentrating, looking ahead, but by the last strip of the sea wall, I was looking out to sea, cruising along, enjoying the sun on my back, thinking how amazing it must be to live here and be able to do this every day, thinking “this is the life!”. I felt so free, so happy.

Thurs 21st May

Today was yet another adventure filled day. We hired a car and drove to Whistler. Our guide book said that Whistler itself is very dull…and to be honest, it is. It’s a ski resort so there’s just sports shops, cafes and expensive restaurants so we didn’t exactly have a thrilling time. However, Ben was very excited about driving an automatic and we were looking forward to the drive next to and around the snow-capped mountains. It is such a beautiful, beautiful sight. I always thought driving up to the lake district was beautiful, and it is, but this was really something else! On our way, I was flicking through the guidebook which recommended stopping by Shannon Falls which is 6 times the height of Niagra. So we did! It’s set in this lovely little park with picnic benches and a little winding path to the viewing area at the base of the falls. It was maginificent looking at the mist and the sun through the trees that surrounded it. I’ve been to Niagra Falls and although I liked it, I much preferred Shannon Falls, much more beautiful, more peaceful and lovely to watch. So we sat on a bench and watched as we ate our lunch.

Afterwards, we made our way back to the car and carried on to Whistler where we had fun in the children’s playground, had a lovely dinner then enjoyed the drive home as the sun set behind the mountains. Again I kept trying to take pictures to capture how amazing the scene was soon gave up as I realised they wouldn’t do it justice.