So, 2009 is just around the corner. It’s 10.33pm.

I’m not quite sure how I’m feeling about the new year. Walking through my local park with some friends yesterday, we talked about how so much hope and pressure is placed on 1st January. Not that that’s a negative thing. It’s great to look forward, to dream, to anticipate but at the same time, it’s just the next/ an ordinary day.

Recently I’ve been thinking about how I’d love to stay in 2008. This was the year I finally felt life was moving on in a positive way, in a way that I wanted to. Having Toby and experiencing the joy of having him, looking after him, watching him develop has been so….magical, that I want to remain in this bubble. Of course there were mixed emotions regarding Amy and processing those emotions has been difficult but this year has brought such joy that I’m scared to face what the next year has for me. I want a guarantee that the next year will bring me nothing but good things before I move into it. But I know all too well that’s not how life works. Time won’t wait for me to be ready to face the future. I wonder when that fear will go away?

We went to Ikea today and bought a frame to hang a photo of Amy on our bedroom wall. I’ve been wanting to do that for a while but it’s only been today that Ben’s felt ready. I feel  pleased and proud.

We’re having quiet night in…gonna watch DVD’s and drink Asti to see the new year in…

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

I’ve got my first ever REAL Christmas tree with real pines and soil and everything! It’s small and cute and a little bare at the moment with only a few decorations on it, but I’m knitting a long thin scarf, an alternative to tinsel, and I’m going to make an angel to put on top.

Ben knew how important having a real tree this year was to me so he sat back at watched me decorate it whilst listening to some good ol’ Christmas tunes by Bing Crosby. But as I put the decorations on, I started crying. I think this Christmas is harder than last year’s and I think it’s because having Toby here with us highlights of my mixed emotions. I wondered whether this would be an easier Christmas for us since we have Toby, but it’s not. It’s a strange feeling.

We’ve also been talking about putting a photo of Amy on our mantlepiece. I’ve wanted to for a while but Ben’s not been ready to…understandably. We’ve also been worried about what others might think. Would they think it’s strange? Would it scare them off? To be honest, after the initial awkward moment, I don’t it’ll matter. What matters to me more is that our home should be a reflection of who Ben, Toby and I are and Amy is a huge part of who we are. Talking to other bereaved parents at SANDS meetings, they have photos of their children up and so I think I’ve been confused as to why we don’t have one of Amy on show. I’m proud of her like I am Toby.

I think if we had one up on the matlepiece I’ll get sad every time I look at it but then, like grieving, you just get used to it.

I might be asking a really silly question here, so forgive me if I am…but when a mother decides to stay at home to look after her children, why is it that she automatically become a housewife?

It’s not something that Ben and I talked through before having Toby. We didn’t explicitly say that because I’m at home more I should be doing the housework, I think we just assumed that’s what I’d be doing. But why is that?

Looking after Toby is a full time job. An enjoyable and fulfilling job but an all consuming and tiring one that doesn’t have a 9am start and 5pm finish! So why is it that because I’ve decided to care for Toby instead of returning to work that I’ve all of a sudden become a housewife too?

Toby is currently at the stage where he’s clingy. He cries when I leave the room and wants cuddles all the time. The only way I get jobs done is if I leave him to cry. Sometimes I do (does that make me a bad mum?) or sometimes I wait until he’s in bed to do the washing or whatever.

What I’m trying to say is looking after Toby is a full time job, Ben has a full time job so why am I lumped with all the housework? Yes, this is partly a rant and partly a wondering why we have just assumed that I’m the housewife. Being a housewife and being a full time mum are different things…aren’t they?

Ben suggested it’s because I’m at home more and therefore maintainance of the home would be more important to me. I can see his point, but then if I was running a business full time from home, would I then be expected to do the housework during work time?

I feel stupid writing this because I think maybe I’m just not getting it or maybe making a deal out of nothing and yes, housework has been a contentious issue is our marriage…

But anyways, your thoughts and replies are welcome!

P.s. I don’t have a problem with housewives…I’m one!

So, it’s almost Christmas. Isn’t it scary how fast time is flying!

I’ve noticed that I’ve gradually been getting sadder over the past few weeks in the run up to Christmas. The past two Christmases have been really difficult and so different. We’ve spent them just the two of us, in our home in Manchester and only venturing out to Didsbury to see Amy’s tree.

But this year it’s different. I’m excited that it’ll be Toby’s first Christmas. We’re spending it at home just the 3 of us and I’m excited about the home being filled with decorations for him to marvel at. I’m excited about establishing our own Christmas Day traditions and about the amount of presents Toby will get from friends and family (but we’ll get to open!)

But I suppose my spiral started when we were thinking about what to get Toby for Christmas and thinking that I wanted to buy Amy some Christmas presents too instead of just getting her a bag of choc coins for her stocking. And looking around the shops for Toby’s presents, I’ve come across many girly presents I think she would’ve loved. Wouldn’t it be fun if I could buy them for her and send them up to heaven! It’s strange, this desire to still provide for someone who isn’t with you anymore, to still want to lavish on them and show them you love them.

Visiting Amy’s tree will become one of our Christmas Day traditions and in time when he’s able to understand I think it’s a great way for Toby to remember Amy with us.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged.

Amy’s day came and went. The anticipation of the day was much harder than having to live through the day itself. It came and went. I spent most of he 8th in doors, just me, Ben and Toby. The 10th was a “nice” day. We planted Amy’s tree in the morning and then went to Jodrell Bank for the afternoon. We had decided that we didn’t want to spend Amy’s Day at home being sad, but that we wanted it to be a family day, a day in which we would spend together, remembering and celebrating Amy together as a family.

Then on 21st we invited some friends and family to picnic by Amy’s tree. It was a gorgeous sunny day and lots of people came which really touched us. It was as nice as day like that can be.

And now we’re in London for Ben’s Parliament Protest (see www.asylumstories.co.uk/protest for more details). I’m enjoying being somewhere different, enjoying rest and home cooked meals, enjoying crisp autumn mornings, enjoying hanging out with my friends and enjoying handing Toby over to my family when I need a break. We’re missing Ben and want to spend more time with him but there’s only a week to go and this whole experience will be over.

Before I left Manchester to join Ben in London, I went to see Amy’s tree. As I left it felt like I was leaving a part of me in Manchester. Of course that’s not true because Amy is in my heart wherever I am but I felt a little sad having to leave the tree. But I’m looking forward to seeing it again, with all it’s gorgeous and rich red leaves.

I can’t believe that it’ll be the middle of the month when we get back to Manchester. Time is flying by so so fast, it’s scary.

I can’t believe it’s almost been 2 years since we lost Amy. In some ways, I feel as though I’ve come so far in my grief, feeling able to control my emotions a lot more, feeling more “responsible” in handling them, but yet I still feel so much anger, hurt and pain as I did that day she died.

And although it is such a joy having Toby, it’s hard to think that had Amy lived, we wouldn’t have had him. We hope that Toby will never feel like the “replacement” or that we wanted Amy more. I hope he grows up knowing we wanted him just as much as we want Amy, that we made a conscious decision to have him and didn’t rush into having another baby for the sake of having one.

We’ve also talked about whether or not to have Toby dedicated to God. We believe that one day Toby will have to make a decision for himself about whether he wants to follow Jesus or not. We cannot make that decision for him as it is such a personal one. So, instead, in a dedication ceremony as opposed to a christening, we ask God to keep Toby in his care and to help us as his parents bring him up without control but that we be parents who encourage him to be and do all that he was created for. Toby will be baptised if he decides that he wants to follow Jesus.

Our dilemma is that our relationship with God is so broken that we cannot trust God to look after Toby or to help us.

Is it hypocritical of us to dedicate him anyway in faith that He will or do we wait until our relationship is “sorted” and trust is restored before we do it? Part of me thinks we should just do it because trusting in God is a challenge anyway, it was even before we lost Amy and is it realistic of me to think that once we’re “sorted” I’ll trust God forever, amen? And if I’m honest with myself and get over my pride, I know that God’s hands are the best hands to be in.

I think the underlying issue is that I know that even if I trust God again, my trust in Him isn’t a guarantee that Toby won’t die and untimely death. When I was pregnant with Amy, I used to pray that as God freely gave her to me, I give her back. By that I meant that I didn’t want to control her or be possessive of her but to submit to God’s purpose for her life and not mine. And I think I equate this prayer of “giving her back” as God taking her away from me, that he allowed her to die. And in praying the same for Toby, in dedicating Toby to God, I fear the same will happen to him.

I know that it might sound silly and irrational, but it’s how I feel and I know it’s something I have to work through.

It’s been a long time coming, but it’s now legal for women to breastfeed their 6 month and under babies in public! The World Health Organisation recommends that women breastfeed their babies exclusively for the first 6 months.

I can’t believe this has just become law and it’s a shame that it has to be a law when breastfeeing in public should be allowed in the first place.

I know that it can be uncomfortable to be sitting next to someone who is breastfeeding their infant (I know it took a while for me to get used to seeing my friends do it) but I still recognised that it was and is a natural amazing thing, that my milk and all the nutrients and antibodies are created specifically for Toby.

I’ve often thought about what I’d say to someone if they told me to stop breastfeeding Toby in public. I’m not sure what I’d say or do. But I’d like to think that I’d tell them that there are other things to complain about in society - I’m just a mother trying to give her child the best possible start in life!

Besides they don’t have to look and that way everybody wins!

In the Sept edition of Mother & Baby magazine, there’s an article called “Dad’s say: ‘don’t shut us out’. It’s about how fathers aren’t allowed to stay in hospital overnight with their partners to help care for their newborn, about the lack of recognition they get as an equal caregiver to their child and about the little support they receive as a new father.

My story is different of course as the hospital staff allowed Ben to stay with me the night before my elective c-section. I was glad they did and knew they only let him stay because of our previous experience of losing Amy. The next day I finally had the c-section at 4.38pm and by the time they got me back on the ward, it was about 7.30pm - visiting hours finished at 8pm. So I only had about 30mins to prepare myself for the fact that I’d be on my own with my baby. I felt overwhelmed so we asked the midwives if Ben could stay another night. They said that because I’d had a c-section they would keep a closer eye on me anyway and because the room was small they said that if there was an emergency and they needed to work on me, then they’d need the space. They also pointed out that it would be best for Ben to get a good night’s sleep and be able to help look after Toby the next day. We thought this made sense so Ben went home.

However, that night and the nights that followed were the most loneliest and most terrifying I have had in a long while.

So the first night, Toby cried constantly and I felt overwhelmed. I had to deal with the fact that I now had a baby, my grief over losing Amy, I had to try and decipher his cries, figure out if he was hungry or had a wet nappy, my legs were still numb so I couldn’t get up and get him if he was crying - I had to wait until someone came to tend to me…it was awful! They were also short staffed, and although I knew they were doing the best they could with little staff, it was really scary.

At one moment, Toby brought up all the mucus in his lungs and started coughing. I was so scared that he was choking, so I pressed my buzzer and no one came. I pressed it again and still no one came and in the end (I felt sorry for the person next door to me) but I shouted for someone to come and help me. I was so helpless because my legs were still numb so I couldn’t get out and get him and even now I have to capture my thoughts and discipline my mind to not think about what could’ve happened if no one came. When the midwife finally came to help, she handed Toby to me and I stayed awake till the early hours just holding him, not wanting to put him back in his cot.

The next couple of nights were better, but mainly because when I pressed the buzzer for help, a midwife wouldn’t come and see me, the tea lady would! Don’t get me wrong I think I would’ve preferred a midwife come and tend to me, but this tea lady was a lovely woman. She’d just come and chat for a bit, brought me a cup of hot water so I could have my decaff earl grey, she’d give Toby cuddles when I was feeling too tired and would sometimes bring me toast. She wouldn’t ever answer my queries about breasfeeding or my worries about Toby, but she was nice to chat to. It seemed whenever a buzzer went off, this tea lady would go and investigate and if the patient really needed a midwife, only then would the midwife tend to the patient.

The next night after I had got the feeling back in my legs, I slept in the chair in my room because it was easier than waiting for someone to answer the buzzer to help me get him out of his cot and it wasn’t until that night that a student midwife came to help me with my breastfeeding technique, and even then I didn’t think it helped much. The community midwife who came to visit me at home almost a week after he was born, took the time to talk me through breastfeeding, told me what I was doing wrong then showed me how to do it correctly.

And because I’m allergic to the pain relief they usually give to c-section patients, I could only take co-codamol, which they sometimes forgot to give me! SometimesI had to go and ask for pain relief! I used to take co-codamol for period pain, so really didn’t do much for the pain of a c-section.

Looking back I wish I insisted that Ben stayed. The day staff were brilliant, they took really good care of me. But I dreaded the nights and was so happy when they said I could go home after 3 nights there. I was looking forward to Ben and I being able to have cuddles with Toby in bed and looking forward to not having to worry about Toby so much because I knew Ben would help me out as and when.

I’m not angry with the hospital staff, I understand that the NHS is all over the place at the moment and that they’re understaffed but as a result I don’t think patients are given the best possible care and by allowing fathers to stay on the wards not only would it help staffing problems but it would give families the best opportunity to bond from the very beginning.

Despite my rant and horrid stay in the hospital there were real intimate and precious moments with Toby, where I’d just hold him, watch him watching me, having skin to skin and I would’ve loved for Ben to experience those moments with us. It felt like it was just me and Toby against the world, and of course it’s not, Ben’s part of it all too but because of hospital rules and regulations, he missed out.

Even in grief, Ben has been pushed out of the picture. In many books about losing a baby, fathers only get a chapter or they get a whole book dedicated to a fathers grief to counteract the lack of supoprt for them out there. Why aren’t most of the books about grieving together? That way we can perhaps understand each others’ grieving process a bit more and reduce conflict a bit more. A while ago I blogged about the fact that a father’s loss isn’t recorded in their medical files, only in the mother’s, which does not make any sense! Ben can experience depression just as much as I can from Amy’s death!

Also in the Sept edition of Mother & Baby, they’ve reported that a new law has been passed which will allow birth certificates to carry names of both parents! This is a new law! Surely it’s just common sense to have both parents’ names on the birth certificate let alone for any other reason of which there are many!

So much has been said about father’s taking responsibility for their children, about how young men need role models etc and when fathers want to take that responsibility and be there for their babies, they are being told they can only do so within visiting hours!

I’ve been blogging for a year! I can’t believe it. I’ve just been reading some of my posts. I’ve cried at some of it, I’ve laughed, realised that some of my perceptions have changed and recognised that I’m a different person to who I was a year ago.

Highlights of the past year include, coming off job seekers allowance; my brother getting married; our holidays in Southport and Brussels and having our baby Toby.

Low points of the past year include being on JSA; 1st Anniversary of Amy’s death; Christmas 2007 and New Year 2008.

Well, here’s to another year of blogging, hoping it’s filled with more highs than lows!

Since having Toby, most days I’ve come home ranting to Ben about my journey home on the bus.

It’s sometimes about how I have to wait for ages for the easy access low floor buses and when one finally comes along, the bus drivers don’t lower their buses to make it easy for me to get on with Toby’s buggy. Hey, bus drivers, all you have to do is press a button, and the bus lowers itself!!!

It’s sometimes about how people who stand in the aisle’s don’t move out of the way so I can get his buggy on/off the bus, they just stand there as if they don’t care if I run over their toes…well, next time, I WILL!

Sometimes it’s about how I’ve got onto a bus that has space for 2 buggies and how people will put shopping bags in one area (which I don’t mind if there’s room) but then will sit on the other side so I can’t get the buggy in either area - they are SPECIFICALLY DESIGNATED FOR WHEELCHAIRS/BUGGIES!

The other day I tried to get off the bus, said “excuse me” to this man in front of me so he could move out of the way, and he just stood there as if to say “it’s your problem!” I just can’t and couldn’t believe how inconsiderate some people are and as a result of him not moving out of the way fast enough, I missed my stop! Grrrr!!!

Courtesy and a little common sense people, courtesy and a little common sense!